My Life In 35 Songs, Track 5: “Kill” by Jimmy Eat World

My Life in 35 Songs

I can’t help it baby, this is who I am; sorry, but I can’t just go turn off how I feel.

You can’t make me leave. You can’t, you can’t, you can’t.

In October of 2004, for two weeks that felt like a lifetime, my parents briefly entertained the notion of uprooting our family and moving us somewhere new. I know that’s something that a lot of kids have to deal with growing up, but it had never even been on my radar before that fall. I’d lived in the same town since I was three years old, and I’d been with the same group of classmates since first grade. I’d also watched my older siblings go through the local high school, and I already had a lot of ideas for how I wanted to follow (or diverge from) their footsteps when I got there. It never occurred to me that my immediate future might be spent anywhere other than this town.

There was also a girl – the first girl from school I’d ever developed a real, yearning, aching kind of crush for. I probably thought I was in love with her, because what else do you do with those kinds of feelings when you’re 13 years old and you’ve never experienced anything like them before? What’s love if not those fluttering butterflies you feel in your stomach every time you see that other person? I definitely wondered whether there could be some big, grand future in store for me and her, somewhere down the road.

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My Life In 35 Songs, Track 4: “Wheel” by John Mayer

My Life in 35 Songs

And if you never stop when you wave goodbye, you just might find if you give it time, you will wave hello again…

I was a man on a mission. I had about 20 minutes to myself in the local mall while my mom and sister went off to shop for something, and I knew I was going to need every one of them to accomplish my task.

Walking briskly, I dodged around families with young children and groups of lackadaisical teenagers, making my way across this crowded retail mecca to find my destination: FYE, with its rows and rows of pristinely shrink-wrapped CD and DVD cases. The album I was looking for had just dropped that week, so it was right there at the front of the shop, just waiting for me to pick it up off the shelf. Then, I made my way to one of the listening stations, where you could scan the barcode of the CD you were thinking about buying, put on a pair of communal over-the-ear headphones (in retrospect, eww!), and sample the tracks. A quick listen through various clips from the album confirmed that it had more to offer than the lead single I’d had stuck in my head for weeks. And so, convinced, I marched up to the checkout counter and handed the cashier $15 or so of my hard-earned cash. It was the first CD I’d ever bought with my own money.

The date was Sunday, September 14, 2003, and the album was Heavier Things, John Mayer’s sophomore follow-up to the 2001 smash Room for Squares. At most, I’ll say I’d been a casual fan of Squares: I liked most of the songs, but none of them had become obsessions in the year or two since my sister had gotten a copy of the CD for one of her birthdays. But “Bigger Than My Body,” the lead single from Heavier Things, had absolutely become an obsession since it had dropped on August 25. That song had a dynamite earworm chorus and some of the coolest guitarwork my 12-year-old ears had ever heard on a pop single, and I was tired of holding my breath and hoping I’d hear the on the radio or catch the video while flipping channels after school. I needed to be able to hear “Bigger Than My Body” whenever I wanted, and it led me to do something I’d never done before, but would do many, many, many times in the decades to follow; it led me to buy the album.

For the next two months, I listened to Heavier Things every single day when I got home from school. It was just part of the routine: get home, fire up my portable CD player, hear those opening piano strains of “Clarity,” and do my homework while the album played. I loved Heavier Things right away, but I came to develop an extremely meaningful bond with it over the course of that fall, as I listened over and over again. I was particularly taken with a pair of songs in the second half: “Split Screen Sadness” and “Wheel.” Both are ballads and both are songs about goodbyes – albeit, different kinds of goodbyes.

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My Life In 35 Songs, Track 3: “Hide” by Creed

My Life in 35 Songs

Let’s leave, oh let’s get away, get lost in time/Where there’s no reason left to hide

The first CD I ever owned was Creed’s Human Clay. I got it for my 12th birthday. The second and third CDs I ever owned were Creed’s other two albums, My Own Prison and Weathered, which I got a month later for Christmas. I was not at all aware at the time that Creed were one of the most derided bands of their era, and I’m glad for that. One of the great things about loving music when you’re young is that you do so without pretense or insecurity. Those things come later. What comes first, at least from my experience, is a fierce connection to the words and the melodies and the way the songs make you feel. Such was the case, for me, with Creed, especially in the winter of 2002-03 when those three albums – Weathered in particular – became the soundtrack to a particularly fraught period in my young life.

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My Life In 35 Songs, Track 2: “Hanging By A Moment” by Lifehouse

My Life in 35 Songs

Desperate for changing, starving for truth/I’m closer to where I started, I’m chasing after you.

One thing to know about the way I consume music is that, by and large, I do not care about the charts. While knowing what songs have gone to number 1 over the years makes for fun trivia, it has little to no bearing on what music I love or find value in. But for one summer when I was 11 years old, I became obsessed with chart-watching, and this song was the reason why.

It’s been long enough since the summer of 2001 that I don’t really recall what initially inspired me to turn on the clock radio in my bedroom on some stray Sunday morning and tune in to Casey Kasem’s American Top 40 countdown. As far as I can remember, that show kicked off at 8 in the morning and ran until lunchtime. It was not, in other words, the kind of thing you’d expect a preteen boy to find himself enmeshed in during the summertime, when more interesting engagements like sleeping in or playing video games were options. Plus, AT40 was loaded with commercial breaks and packed with songs that I, as someone who did not have much of a taste for the R&B-flavored pop that was dominant at the turn of the century, actively disliked. Why did I subject myself to four hours of this nonsense when I could have been doing literally anything else?

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My Life In 35 Songs, Track 1: “One Headlight” by The Wallflowers

My Life in 35 Songs

If your life was a movie, what songs would make the soundtrack?

Earlier this year, I found myself trying to answer that question, all because I was looking for a project to get me excited about music writing again. A decade ago, I couldn’t wait to write up reviews of every new album I liked. Now, the thought of going through that process feels exhausting, and maybe meaningless. Does anyone care about album reviews in 2025? And if not, where does that leave those of us who love trying to articulate what it is about a certain piece of music that makes us think, or makes us weep, or gets our hearts racing a little faster?

I came up with the life soundtrack idea almost on a lark. It would be a fun challenge, I told myself, especially if there were limits and rules by which I had to abide. The first rule I gave myself was to theme this project around my forthcoming 35th birthday. In honor of that milestone, I decided, I’d have the space of just 35 songs to tell my life story.

I didn’t know how maddening this game would prove to be – or, ultimately, how emotionally fulfilling. I’m an old veteran when it comes to making lists, but this version of the music list was so much harder than anything else I’d ever attempted. Picking your all-time favorite albums is easy. Picking your favorite songs is harder, but still somewhat intuitive. Trying to boil down your entire life’s journey into what is essentially a two-CD compilation is an exercise guaranteed to result in constant hand-wringing, excessive second-guessing, and endless revising. There are currently 47,145 songs in my iTunes library. How was I supposed to be satisfied picking such a tiny percentage of that?

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