My Life In 35 Songs, Track 5: “Kill” by Jimmy Eat World

My Life in 35 Songs

I can’t help it baby, this is who I am; sorry, but I can’t just go turn off how I feel.

You can’t make me leave. You can’t, you can’t, you can’t.

In October of 2004, for two weeks that felt like a lifetime, my parents briefly entertained the notion of uprooting our family and moving us somewhere new. I know that’s something that a lot of kids have to deal with growing up, but it had never even been on my radar before that fall. I’d lived in the same town since I was three years old, and I’d been with the same group of classmates since first grade. I’d also watched my older siblings go through the local high school, and I already had a lot of ideas for how I wanted to follow (or diverge from) their footsteps when I got there. It never occurred to me that my immediate future might be spent anywhere other than this town.

There was also a girl – the first girl from school I’d ever developed a real, yearning, aching kind of crush for. I probably thought I was in love with her, because what else do you do with those kinds of feelings when you’re 13 years old and you’ve never experienced anything like them before? What’s love if not those fluttering butterflies you feel in your stomach every time you see that other person? I definitely wondered whether there could be some big, grand future in store for me and her, somewhere down the road.

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Review: Jimmy Eat World – Futures

Jimmy Eat World - Futures

It’s a sliding doors moment, the first time you hear a song that stops your heart. If you really think about it, any number of songs, at any number of moments in time, could be the one to change your life. For whatever reason, though, every music fan ends up with one: one song that, under the right mix of timing, circumstance, emotional clarity, and dumb luck, clicks onto your frequency and blows your whole fucking life apart. There will be other songs, after that one – many, many songs, if you’re lucky. But that one song – and that one band, and that one album – will always have a special place in your heart for what it did to kickstart something new inside of you.

I still remember the week that I heard Jimmy Eat World’s “Kill” for the first time. It was a rainy, gloomy October in northern Michigan, and I was an eighth-grade student slowly finding his way toward a deepening interest in music. In the preceding year, I’d even started finding songs that scratched some deep emotional itch in me – even if my not-so-evolved 13-year-old self couldn’t have expressed what it was about Snow Patrol’s “Run” or Nada Surf’s “Inside of Love” or Dashboard Confessional’s “Vindicated” that was making him ache. In other words, I liked music a whole lot, but I hadn’t yet opened myself up to the idea that it could take everything I was feeling deep down inside and set it to words and soundwaves.

The first time I heard “Kill” was on an episode of One Tree Hill, a not-so-well-written teenage soap that, at the time, was in its second season. Right away, I knew the song was special. It was one of those “stop what you’re doing, pay close attention and write down the lyrics so you can Google this later” kind of songs. (We didn’t have Shazam back then.) I just didn’t know how special it would prove to be.

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